Day 6 (LifeGuarding).

I met moon face at the gate, her face seem brighter than anything else in the reception, I swear it generates its own glow, the worlds most horrible light fitting. I followed her, admiring the tye dye style arrangement of black and weak blonde hair, it was too shiny for hair, the grease made it possible to see dim reflections in it. She had managed to pull her hair back so tightly that it pulled the hair follicles out slightly, giving the edge of her face the appearance of a sea anemone. The tall ginger chav (Tom) had been absent from the last session, I asked him why, he said it had been the 24 hour bug "that's been going round". As if triggered by this statement the instructors ear began to bleed, I understand people's noses bleed from time to time, but ears seem a bit more serious as the blood would have been coming from a tunnel that leads to his brain. He carried on, ignoring the blood. Tom sitting next to me spontaneously erupted with the lyrics "Rice, Rice, Baby", in response to Hannah's getting a nutrigrain bar out of her bag. The topic of conversation then fell onto favourite foods, Fenwick took great delight in saying the word "philidelphia" over and over again in a french accent, this was only improved by his "fashionable" beret, which he was wearing for the 3rd session straight. Later he rolls a cigarette for Vicky. She takes it and unfortunately the filter comes out, she exclaims "Such a bad roll faggot! Il just smoke without it", she places it filterless in her mouth, crushing it completely, I didn't follow her out to watch her smoke the crumpled mess. I also found out that moon face has a husband, what a brave/blind man he must be, or a depraved fetishist, who enjoys making love to a cobra eyed, pulped grapefruit. Becky began telling me how she wanted to go home so her nan could buy her some tesco clothes, before screaming "Hallelujah" in a not so angelic tone. I was particularly grumpy today, moon face turned to me and said "Smile, it won't hurt" in the most sombre tone breathe-able. She then attempted a smile which strained her face, white crested lines appeared down her cheeks, her thin lips parted momentarily bearing sharp thin teeth. It looked ironically painful and did not make me feel any better. Tom then engrossed me in a dream he had last night, he told me how he dreamt he was in eastenders, whilst there he had managed to get in an argument with peggy. Chris then got a climbing hook out and tried to tear it apart with his bare hands, considering it was a steel climbing, intended for weight-bearing instrument, it came as a shock when he was puzzled to why he could not tear it apart, confused also, Tom asked if he could have a go, failed, they then tried together, they still failed. Vicky then told Fenwick to go get his limp dick back, I don't know why. We were then talking about anaphylactic shock, the instructor asked us what this was, moon face answered with the familiar description of: It's when you have a violent allergic reaction, your skin goes blotchy, you feel really itchy, your throat closes up and you can't breathe, your eyes could bulge. I Hate Her. It was lunch time, Chris shot off on his ped for a donna kebab, however oh so surprisingly returned with mere polos and some bacci for Fenwick, he made the foolish decision to hide Fenwicks bacci, to which he threatened, "Give me my bacci or il smash your fucking bike up!" Becky told me how she has trouble sleeping cause she always goes down for a coke at 4 in the morning. We were using the dummy's again, this time Fenwick proceeded to "insert" his trousered penis into the mannequins mouth, people loved this. I then looked over to Chris and Tom who were giggling excessively, "Tom says to Chris "were so funny", I look to see they have drawn an egg round someone's head in the life-guarding manual. Fenwick then went on the punch bag, he states, "The bitchslap...... YOU FUCKING BITCH!" before slapping the bag with some force, his poor girlfriend. We then told how when performing CPR the procedure is slightly different depending on the child's age, the ages are infant, child (before puberty), adult (after puberty), the instructor asks how would you know if the casualty was a child or an adult? Moon face answers with "check the privates", everyone laughed, she didn't, she wasn't joking. We then went into partners to do a full body examination, after completing mine I looked over to see Fenwick examining Vicky (I remind 22 and 16 respectively). He felt the sides of the torso at regular intervals (as instructed) he then went on to tickle her vagina (not instructed). Tom took great pleasure in stacking the CPR dummy's in a "gay" fashion, this mean two torsos positioned in a vaguely representative 69 position, with another one behind the one on top, it looked like an amputation orgy and was not funny... only to me. The topic of braces arose, Tom told us a story about his braces: once he got his tongue bar caught in a girls braces, he had to get his dad to cut them apart with pliers, Vicky looked bemused and doubtful but said nothing, in any normal place a lie like this would be ripped to shit. We then went back to the class room for a question answer session. Chris was asked to name a support tow (the three answers are under-shoulder, under-arm and hip support tows) he answered with "V - grip", considering the "V - grip" doesn't exist or has ever been talked about i'm not sure what he was thinking, we now often respond to him with a V finger gesture. Just before we left Becky said that people from Harwich are inbred, and hence have no nipples. I had to catch a train home today, while waiting at the train station or saw a lady with a child in a pram stumble and crash it into a sign, bliss.

Lifeguarding (Day 5)

Day 5.

I enter the leisure center, there is a rotating barrier entry system. Already being a bad mood (Read Cynical Train Trip), wasn't helped by the fact a confused boy continuously run his entry card, which had its black "reading" strip up, through the scanning slot. He removed it checked it over, and repeated. He changed nothing, yet by examining it with his eyes he expected it to somehow now work. He eventually reached the logical conclusion that it was the wrong way up and we proceeded through. I met Becky who seemed very cheerful and we sat down to chat in the cafe. The subject turned to GCSE's, she was complaining how she was getting E's And F's in my best scoring subjects of maths and physics. She requested we swapped brains for the day. The weak women makes an unwanted entrance, she weakly drags a chair up beside me, before launching into a coughing fit and genuinely ruining the steady stream of conversation up to the point. She didn't look any worse than last time, but considering she was knocking on death's door on day 4, it was probably a good thing. However when I looked at her pale, blotch ridden head, one striking resembles was triggered in my subconscious. She bared a striking resemblance to the back of Quirrel's head in Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, but not just any voldermort, oh no. Imagine strangling Quirrel from behind, the back of his head flood fills deep red and patchy, pressure now builds behind the eyes of the half blood prince, they bulge outwards, owl like. Now imagine some thin cheap pair of glasses overlaid, you now have an insight into the horrors I have to endure pretty much every other day. I look round to see the weirdest boy I have ever noticed, he entered with a strikingly camp walk, I peer up to see a foundation smothered face which resembled the appearance of a waxed conker. He had a uniquely bizarre arrangement of facial hair, which resembled the striking war paint of Darth Maul. Becky picked on this immediately, "he's a batty boy" she whispers, "he takes it right up the batty". I can do nothing but agree as he arcs behind me, swinging his hips heading for the coffee shop counter. The conversation now heads back to education. Becky asks me what I want to be when I'm older, I answer honestly with "architecture", she asks "what's that?", I reply with "designing buildings". Suddenly old woman butts in with the statement, "and bridges", before bursting into her forth fit of deep, painful coughs. We ignored her. Bored I looked around the room, at first glance I thought I saw a giant mole sat in a chair at the other end of the room. In fact it was a fat round women, cloaked in a soil coloured furry coat, her was highlighted with the colours of an autumn forest floor. I had a powerful inner urge to shout "Go AWAY!" to her, despite the fact she hadn't spoke and was just drinking coffee, I suppressed this urge before glaring disgusted at her brown Ugg boots. Becky was still looking begrudgingly at the make up boy saying "the fact he knows how to put foundation on is the freakiest bit". To conclude the coffee shop introduction a group of little kids with skateboards enter, the only words they mutter collectively are "Nai Nai, Naaaaaiii". As I believe this is an N-Dubz derivative, I hated them instantly.

We enter the classroom area, Becky was now talking about the 4th tattoo she wants done. She then goes onto say how Vicky has a tattoo of an M for Molly on her belly, but wishes to get it inked over with a gun. Coincidently Vicky enters and pats me on the head, "hello Bradderz". A newish girl enters holding a vimto, her new hair style with streaks of colour resembles the colour of the can. The room began to smell of talc powder as the old woman entered, she removed her coat revealing a stripy black and yellow top. Coupled with her hair which through from deep black roots to a mildly believable blonde she resembled a enlarged wasp with white paint spat in its deformed face. Fenwick entered, wearing the cool beret and recurring diamond ring. We began talking about the spinal column and the tail bone, the instructor said "the tail bone is the remainder of our tail, from when some of us used to swing around in trees". He let out an unexpected "Heurrrr!" sound. His mouth formed a circle as he made this sound, bearing no teeth and resembling a tortoise having its shell ripped off. A boy at the back with bleach blonde hair asked someone for a highlighter, Fenwick was on the ball and said "think your hair is light enough son". Becky then nudged me saying that the round headed chubby guy had been wearing the same grey trackies since we began the course. However I managed to remember the horrible brown coloured ones he wore on thursday and told her, she merely replied saying her had just pooed himself that day, and washed them for today. The instructor made a frail dig at one of the people for answering a question wrong, they jokingly said, "why are you so mean", he replied with: "Ive always been mean, and nothing has changed", ironically I sniggered as I made another mental note of the occurrences at my lifeguard course. The old wasp lady was talking shit again, (* It's not just me who thinks she is an idiot), Becky looked at me and mimed "shut up", she then stretched her eyes apart and mimed, "i'm old and look like a frog". I then went off to the toilet, as I walked down the corridor an angry 6 year old launched his drinks bottle at some lockers with great velocity. His mum weakly muttered "Don't" as he ran off. We then discussed what to do if someone from the pool needed to be sick, vile woman then did an impression of someone being sick, which looked too realistic and was followed by another succession of coughs, I'm scared spending this much time in a confined space with her will give me no end of evidently malicious virus's. Becky then went in my lifeguard booklet, she drew a heart around an ugly woman's head, annotating it with such things as "lovers since 1-2-2004" and "I love you forever". This was then followed by a frantic session of her raiding my book, I have never had so much fun watching someone draw hearts around elements of pictures, such as; a boys spots, a ladies fetching sandals, baby mouth to mouth resuscitation and armpit hair. Next we talked about the multicloured straps for the spineboard, Fenwick took great delight in repeating the words "Multicoloured strap on", across the room. The question then arose, "what do you do for really fat people on the spineboard" (*spineboard is a long plastic body board used to secure people with spinal injuries to), the vimto hair cool then came up with a theory. "fat people eat babies, think about it, the amount of missing children is going up, but so is the amount of fat people, thats where Maddie is you know". I looked across at Becky who was taking notes, I questioned this and she replied with, "Yeah i'm taking notes, I should be a secretary...no, a councilor", she then triumphantly bellows, "Argue my case forward", shaking her fist. I ask her if she meant lawyer, she agreed that was the job she was trying to reenact. The boy at the back then said you could get high of bananas and that he had done it, he claimed you can dry them out "somehow" and smoke them. Becky then got a banana out of her bag and asked me, "can you smell the highness?". We then got into the discussion about the "Walton Lot", Becky claimed that people from Walton say yeahhhhhhh after everything, before saying, "So you like my mum yeahhhhhhh?" whilst stabbing an imaginary knife in the direction of my face. Vimto girl said that a Crysler Crossfire looked like a "Dog taking a shit", Fenwick felt this description was harsh. We then had a break, I joined Fenwick and round headed chubby guy, a group of youths were talking shit a little way ago, Fenwick mutters, "Kids of today, Gobshites!" before flicking his fag, spitting a dense clump of salvia and walking back inside. I was just coming out of a cubicle as weak women stubbled past, it looked like death had just hit her over the back of the head. We then got on poolside, frail mess did an impression of being cold, now I know the description of a demented chicken is cliche, however that is literally what she looked like, as she vibrated the skin under chin would bounce and slap up against the underside of her head and her goggle eyes rolled into her skull. I looked at her now, clearly the shaking had somehow mad her look healthier, her face was now bright, white and round face is what I imagine the literal translation of what moonface from the faraway tree would look like. I left day 5 with profound lyrics of "rap" that Vicky had drummed in to my head, "Your a nasty dirty slut, I know you want this up your butt" and "Stroke my finger, stroke my thumb, I'm gonna fill your mouth with cum".

Cynical Train Ride

I caught a view of all these people on a single trip to Clacton via train.

The first striking women I saw had a strange complexion, appearing coloured by repetive slaps and punches to her face, her hair was white, really white. Chubby little hands grasped her Motorola as she raised it to her particularly large lobed ear, a butch, female P.E teachers voice bellowed out, sending vibrations through a meaty deposit that hung from the base of her face, this merged severely unseamlessly with a dense and chunky neck. This in turn connected to block like shoulders, a black felt likely material attempted to cover these long ,spirit level flat, wonders. Black i'm told is thinning, but when tights fail to cover fat that collects around the top of some not particularly tight fitting shoes, you have a problem. The next lady looked worse. Like the plain of her face had hit a wall with quite an impact and the features had remained in the state of compression. If a propped melon could look shocked, I'd found proof. Her lips when clasps seem to repel even each other, rolling back on themselves to give the illusion of them being thin. The eyes were inset, cowering away, with the sockets forming a shadow casting ring around them, the skin draped in, like a gravity in side her head had drawn them in over her obviously exstensive life. Her hair was weird, imagine a layered fountain, but water replaced with horrible, knock off golden, thin and comb streak visible hair. The path of it seemed to abseil down the back of her hair finally reaching a darker hanging patch of lifeless knots. A small child was trying to balance a fruit shoot on his head, I was not amused. Out of knowhere a massive egg shell disguised in a jacket turned around, wispy white hair topped his ears eyes and lip. The egg head was so big, it had smaller dome like eggs deposited around, side of nose, top right of mouth and side of for head. He seemed confused, his hands moving frantically as his weighty yolk brain try to process where on the train-line he were. I didn't like his shoes. A chav got on, his greyscale apparell complemented his shiny silver Nike shoes perfectly. His hood jutted forward, casting a shadow over his typical face. A young looking, blood shot eyed, thin lipped, above averagely spotty youth stared back. He yawned lots as he peered aggressively out the window, he sat by himself for the remainder of the journey, he's not loved, you can see this by how low his trackies hung on his ass. I turned to see the second lady pop a travell sweet into her mouth, I watched her boney chin ossilate from side to side, small deposits of skin wiggled slightly at each side under the mouth, in time she swallowed, her throat burst forward, like an agressive frog to accomadate the small sweet passing through. She touched then rubbed her neck with her chipped pink nail varnished fingers, there appeared to be pain all round as she rubbed her strained neck and my brain processed what I had just seen. We arrive. I stand up and collect my bag from the overhead shelves, a young girl claims to her friends, "it's rude to stare", I couldn't help thinking, it's also rude to grin in such an exaggerated manor when the only colours on your teeth are yellow overlaid with mettalic shine.

Dinner Time Diary Blues

Called down to diner, I arrive down stairs straight into the crossfire of a family argument. My sisters (Both 14) want to go to an under 18’s valentines disco party thing, my parents appose the idea. My parents ask them who is even going, they defiantly claim “no-one now”, they then seek refuge in the fact that last night (My dad was drunk), they were told that they might be able to go. My dad dodges is it and calls them evil fibbers, the reason for them not being able to go now falls to my mum, she’s not happy. “Do you know why your dad sits with a rounded back?… It’s cause he’s pathetic and has no spine”. My dad’s red sweaty face laughs it off. My sister sitting opposite is wearing a stupid pink scarf, or pashima, or whatever they are called. “why are you wearing a scarf at the dinner table?”, sneering eyes dart up to greet mine, and in one swift movement she manages to wiggle her head and mutter the words “why not?” in the most horrible, london injected tone speakable. The conversation now runs onto summer swimwear, my sisters are outraged how they have nothing to wear. My mum claims they have plenty of baccini’s upstairs, my sister now furious screams:” There All For Eight Year Olds!” The other sister (Proud Of Herself) tells us a story about how she pushed a fat girl at school of court, my dad impressed said after she should have asked the girl for a fight saying “come on, come have some”. My mum, silent for a while now, suddenly erupts with, “I used to fight at school”, usually if those arose at a typical family dinner the kids would be shocked and question the seemingly “crazy” mother. However, it has been long known in our household that my mum was once a notorious bar fighter, enjoying nothing more than going black sabbath gigs and getting drunk and fighting other women. My sisters now request a sleepover instead of the Chelmsford rape party, my parents are ok with it but they brainstorm aloud the problems of sleeping the children. My dad asked the girls where they expected their mother to sleep, to which they both simultaneously reply with, “Who Cares”. The girls are then told they will have to sleep in their room (which will be semi decorated at this point), they dismiss this proposition saying they would rather sleep in the hall. Now comes the next debate of where they will go for the 30 minutes between school finishing and my dad picking them up. My dad said they should “Flaff around at the park”, my sisters were not impressed and there jaws drop and eyes glaze over, my dad spots this, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Won’t that be great”, before placing 2 thumbs up and grinning monotonously. The girls are asked what homework they have to do, sister 1 gets in a strop saying she can’t do it until she visits her friends house (This Friend Is Considered Undesirable In My House), her problem is that she isn’t able to do the homework as it’s to do with emotional art, and only her friend has all the answers. My dad plucks the painting “scream” out of the air, describing it with much finesse, “it’s that one of that guy screaming on a bridge, like this”, his heads drops to the side, his hands raise to his cheeks and he screams. My sisters giggle, look at each other and spontaneously erupt into a cackle fit. My dad, impressed that he could remember something of any worth claims “ive done your homework for you, now you don’t need to go round that girl’s house for make up tips”. My sister now performs the second synchronized act, she manages to click her tongue, look up and put her hand on her hip in dissatisfaction. My dad now goes to town, pulling the “scream face” and laughing at her stupid body language, “shut Up Dad” My dad’s head now swoops from side to side now screaming, “Let me get down, why am I even here”.

Day 4 (Lifeguard Course)

None Of This Is Exaggerated Or Made Up.

Arrive early to see Vicky outside smoking. I tell her its bad for her health and that its cold and she should be inside, she offers me one, which I refuse, she tells me I know I want to. I really didn't. I waited for her to finish up and we headed inside to see becky, sprawled, deflated, like a sliced open bean bag, rested on a chair nearby. Ironically she was sitting directly under a poster with a horrible saggy faced dog on it, I kept giggling as I alternated between her face and the dogs, to which she exclaimed... WHAT!!!! The feeble woman comes over, she asks us if we would like any licorice from her massive bag of it, we declined and continued to ignore her existence. We had some new people in our group today (I don't know there names, and i don't care to learn them), one entered with a gold sequin Ellese top despite being around 50 and sat in the corner, her partially colored black and blonde hair was creep like. The fat little year 11 chav entered, he began possible the most stupid story I have ever heard, il try and quote as much as possible. "Yeah today right, there was this massive fight in town, m school vs some fucking ipswich school. We were walking along right, then suddenly this shit came out and started kicking the shit out of my mate, I got him off and started kicking the shit into him, but then this other kid had a baseball bat and started kicking the shit into my other mate. So I pulled him off and started beating the shit out of him, made his mouth bleed like shit, beat the shit into the shit the he nearly died, look, now my knuckles hurt" (He presents some perfectly unscathed knuckles that only appear red cause of the severe acne rash that inhabits his prebubecent flesh). The older ginger boy got his phone out, he began laughing before pointing at his background, I recognized it as the clamidia advert with a girl shining a torch down a girls pants. I kindly laughed and said oh yeah ive seen that before, he was still laughing and said that he was well fuckin bored like.I noticed through this short interchange of rubbish conversation that he sounded more slurred that usual, transpires he had gotten his tongue pierced only an hour before he had got there, he was in great pain and was clearly told by the doctor not to go swimming. His mouth now remained open relentlessly, it was unnerving as it would swing round as something would catch his eye as if dislocated. The instructor asked him why he would wanna put a needle through his tongue, he claimed it was for the adrenaline rush. The large girl Becky was talking about food again, someone asked her what she had in her sandwiches, she exclaimed excitedly, "Cheese and marmalade"! Tall ginger chav was outraged and said, "you naughty....,......little.... So and So", The instructor then had a go at us about "foul language creeping in". People then questioned the instructor (Quite Old) when he started working there, he said 1987, to which tall ginger chav exclaimed thats 25 years, no one addressing the error it remained as fact and whenever it was mentioned later he had worked at the pool for 25 years. Fenwick arrived late, he entered wearing some nike air max, trackys, a sterling silver bangle, a green white and dark blue polo shirt, the most lavish diamond earring you would dare to think of. Coupled with his beige "farmer Hat (Becky)"He looked so appealing, his cheeky grin that fell almost on directly on Vicky's cleavage before correcting himself and talking to her face. He went on alter to say how he only likes films for violence and that 15's are for pussy 'oles. I looked round to see thin old freak sipping at lemon from a massive bottle, her arm appeared to shake as she just about managed to raise the bottle to her lips, the pale yellow liquid appeared to become an extension of her face as it blurred with her used egg shell complexion. I felt sick, but watched on as she proceeded to raise and lower the bottle around 5 times, each time taking a sickly gulp. I looked across to her head, which looked like plastic bag stretched tightly over a skull, the inset tension wrinkles created the perfectly platform to publicize her patch of malaria growing on her chin, she also had a cough, she will be dead within a week. We started talking about how long we would have in the pool, a breathy week voice erupted, "it depends how quickly you get changed" a horrible cough erupted with it, 50x more powerful than the spoken word, which completely destroyed her attempted laugh. I Hate Her. I am now referred to as Bradlol, because i'm so funny. Becky was being told information by two people at once, this proved too much for her as she shouted, "I don't have 2 ears", people quickly realized she did and she rephrased it as a multitasking issue. I then nipped to the toilet, followed by Fenwick. He entered the cubicle next to me, and in his habit of reciting whatever Zane Lowe at the time says he swapped "lady gaga" for black eyed peas, repeating the band name 4 times before erupting into, "Can you meet me halfway, Right at the borderline!" Ay, Brad that Fergie is well fit like. Yes, she's very nice. Becky asked me why I dressed so smart for college, I had no answer. We then got in the pool, after pretending to be unconscious for an exercise I received a painful nipple cripple from Vicky. I surfaced later on to see feeble woman's struggling face. The chlorine had eroded her eyes and stained her skin, bloodshot eyes and a rashy eyes made for the appearance of a lopsided lilac balloon through my also stinging (but clearly not as severe) eyes. We were down the shallow end and I heard Fenwick mutter to Vicky that "this lifeguard stuff is kinda sexy", She replied with (im not sure why), "Yeah I feel like I should be doing it naked", Fenwick jumped on this pedophile opportunity and requested they go for a private session somewhere else, I made disappointed eye contact with the barely legal girl, she didn't enjoy my judgmental gaze. We all got out and were getting changed, a chorus of "Why do birds suddenly appear?" erupted from over the changing cubicles, interrupted by Fenwick saying to Vicky, "Do you like the way my big toe works it". I left feeling so good, only to see living corpse lady waiting outside, her usually burnt, crispy blonde hair now black and her face considerably enflamed. She is rotting from the inside out, I want to tell her to see a doctor, but I don't want to catch the plague.

Day 3 (Lifeguard Course)

None Of This Is Exaggerated Or Made Up.

Started as normal until vicky (one of the girls) called the big dumb ginger one a batty boy, to which he replied, "your the battery boy", not realizing his mistake everyone just laughed at him. I found out fredderick is actually called fenwick, I know this as he has a massive horrible tattoo of his name on his inside arm. The other girl (Becky) said to i think dan, "Doesn't he have a deformed head and a fat dad?" The fat little ginger boy next to me kept talking about his burberry aftershave and how he wanted paco robanne 1 million but it got sold out. Then some people started talking about cocaine and ridiculous stories and becky shouts "What Diet Or Normal!" before cackling loudly and banging the table. The horrible feeble woman in the corner looked worse today, her pale round moon like head was complimented by her bulging red eyes, She kept answering questions so stupid, like we were talking about lifting a person out of the ball with our arms under with palms down, so they were easier to slide out, she mutters weakly how it has something to do with touching the person, NO IT DOESNT YOU WERE ALREADY TOUCHING THEM, IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT SIDE OF YOUR ARM IS IN CONTACT. The instructor kindly said he didn't think it was right to which she shook her head defiantly. Fenwick said Jodie Marsh was sex on legs but Wouldn't get it if he had to look at her from the side. At the break the ginger chav with constant open mouth moaned about fenwik saying he wants to smack boys that are chavs. Becky said she eats 12 packets of crisps with ease and wished they did 24 packs for the flavors she liked, She them poked my phone screen and cackled again. Ginger chav mutters in an Akon style "I wanna break break break break your neck", which the girls found quite amusing. Becky then went Errr when I hadn't wiped my apple before taking a bite, i asked why and she goes "its dirty, all those Africans rubbing it on their fannys", she then went on unlinked to label how she was hench and her head was pure muscle. Later she used the term "stickable", quickly after doubting the existence of the word, however small fat ginger assured her saying, "it is a word, stick-a-ball", for the girls this was sound logic enough and the conversation moved on. We went up to the gym again and one of the girl's bums was hangin out while doing CPR on her knees, Fenwick took great delight in shouting builders bum before hitting the floor with laughter. Later he once again picked up a dummy and appeared to show it giving him oral sex, this time with it inverted with his tongue strumming against the absence of space seen as the dummy had no lower body, people found this little tweak from yesterday incredibly funny. The group proceeded to bandage each other in ridiculous ways, Fenwick working with vicky comes over with a bandage on his arm, becky asks if vicky had been biting again, Fenwick replies with "Yeah my arm tastes like Hula Hops". The tall ginger chav complains about how he wish the baby dummy was more realistic so he could make it do middle fingers at people, which he found too funny. (the attractive) Vicky was spending a lot of time with the 6 year older Fenwick to the younger boys dislike, the smallest (fat round ginger head) who is year 11 came up with the theory, "Shes a slut, you can tell because she hasn't got any bra tan marks, that means she always has it off", the other agreed labeling her a slut. I then noticed the jeans that the tall ginger one was wearing, they were baggy had massive pockets and the colour faded from pale blue to near black at the bottom. Becky noticed that Vicky had done the buttons on her shirt wrong, Fenwick told Vicky he would sort them out before winking at the 16 year old. We then got changed and went poolside, I made a comment about a man swimming in the pool, saying he was so slow it would be faster to walk, unfortunately when he eventually reached the end of the pool and severe difficulty turning round and pushing off the wall I realized he had no legs. We did all the exercises in the pool and were at the side, an attractive lifeguard sauntered past to Fenwicks delight as he kissed his arm, flapped the lump in his shorts and licked his lips. He also enjoyed grabbing the (young) girls and pushing them about. The chlorine destroyed the weak woman's eyes and she look really horrible, her eyes so big, puffy and red, i tried not to look at her. We got out and went back to hitting a dummy as if it was choking. I watched and listened to the weak woman, with the dummy rested on her knee she repetitively asked it to cough up the food for about 10 seconds, before telling it what she was gonna do and counting the amount of times she hit it on the back, she then congratulated it and told it to come sit down after she had finished. I nearly forgot, the Asians were out in force in the pool, always staring at what we did, never swimming. The tall ginger chav I noticed was looking at me, I turned around and made eye contact with his jaw dropped absent face, which continued to stare blankly for at least 5 seconds, I turned before he had finished cause it was awkward. I then went to the toilet, radio one was on and someone said lady gaga on it, Fenwick heard this as he entered the toilet, he repeated lady gaga 4 times to himself while pissing in the open cubicle. I left the centre to see over half the group smoking, the small fat ginger kid was offering everyone his lighter despite not smoking, Fenwick, now outside too was on his phone, "Alright babes... How are you gorgeous... nice, can you come get me darling."

P.s at the dinner table my dad called my sister a slimy rat and a sneaky eel because she slipped upstairs when they called her for dinner, he then said he was onto her and that she was getting genuinely grimy and horrible.

Day 2 (Lifeguard Course)

None Of This Is Exaggerated Or Made Up.

Started off pretty rubbish with everyone having to learn acronyms to remember how to react to certain situations. 2 hours later we ventured upstairs to begin CPR on dummy's in the dance studio. To get there we went through a gym, whilst waiting for an angry man to finish punching a bag in the studio we waited in the gym. A member of our group, Frederick, a 22 year old, bit stupid, completely homophobic, lads lad said, "That milf over there on the running machine, you see her, bet she swallows and takes it up the arse. Right in the shitter", to this i just muttered yeah. We then went into the studio and started using torso dummy's to perform CPR on. Whilst doing the exercise a ditzy girl with a ridiculous amount of ear piercings asks, "Do you have to break the ribs when doin CPR", The confused instructor dismisses it before receiving another stupid question from the girls friend, "Doesn't a body way twice as much when unconscious", He dodges it again but now the group begins to talk about when they have seen people die. One chubby 25 year old with a round head describes when he saw a guy have a man faint and foam at the mouth in front of him. The second girl exclaims how her cat died. Then anal milf man exclaims, "I ran over a cat on my motorbike once, I pulled it off and put it in this wood burning furnace, smelt like chinese". The girl then said, "If you pull a cats arms apart it's chest explodes and it looks like chocolate". Everyone done there CPR training but mid way through I noticed Fredrick pick up the torso dummy and proceed to mock receiving oral sex from it behind the instructors back. Throughout I noticed him looking down the young girls tops and making repetitive jokes about putting tongues in the dummy's mouths while giving mouth to mouth. A 45 year old frail member of the group, her hair was thin and horrible and she looked seriously ill,performed the exercise and her face (usually a horrible blue and pale white) reddened so much that the instructor asked if she was ok and I felt sick. We then got in the pool and the ditzy girl proceeded to call me Jamie cause i looked like her cousin and the other girl kept shouting bradders! and putting her thumbs up. Afterwards the girls stole the 2 men on the course's clothes and hid them. One girl got changed and the other peered over and said she had seen a "cracking shot of her muff" and the other let out a horrible scream. I left, seeing the geeky chavvy kid with orange hair who has no idea how to swim outside smoking, What an amazing day.