Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Day 4 (Lifeguard Course)

None Of This Is Exaggerated Or Made Up.

Arrive early to see Vicky outside smoking. I tell her its bad for her health and that its cold and she should be inside, she offers me one, which I refuse, she tells me I know I want to. I really didn't. I waited for her to finish up and we headed inside to see becky, sprawled, deflated, like a sliced open bean bag, rested on a chair nearby. Ironically she was sitting directly under a poster with a horrible saggy faced dog on it, I kept giggling as I alternated between her face and the dogs, to which she exclaimed... WHAT!!!! The feeble woman comes over, she asks us if we would like any licorice from her massive bag of it, we declined and continued to ignore her existence. We had some new people in our group today (I don't know there names, and i don't care to learn them), one entered with a gold sequin Ellese top despite being around 50 and sat in the corner, her partially colored black and blonde hair was creep like. The fat little year 11 chav entered, he began possible the most stupid story I have ever heard, il try and quote as much as possible. "Yeah today right, there was this massive fight in town, m school vs some fucking ipswich school. We were walking along right, then suddenly this shit came out and started kicking the shit out of my mate, I got him off and started kicking the shit into him, but then this other kid had a baseball bat and started kicking the shit into my other mate. So I pulled him off and started beating the shit out of him, made his mouth bleed like shit, beat the shit into the shit the he nearly died, look, now my knuckles hurt" (He presents some perfectly unscathed knuckles that only appear red cause of the severe acne rash that inhabits his prebubecent flesh). The older ginger boy got his phone out, he began laughing before pointing at his background, I recognized it as the clamidia advert with a girl shining a torch down a girls pants. I kindly laughed and said oh yeah ive seen that before, he was still laughing and said that he was well fuckin bored like.I noticed through this short interchange of rubbish conversation that he sounded more slurred that usual, transpires he had gotten his tongue pierced only an hour before he had got there, he was in great pain and was clearly told by the doctor not to go swimming. His mouth now remained open relentlessly, it was unnerving as it would swing round as something would catch his eye as if dislocated. The instructor asked him why he would wanna put a needle through his tongue, he claimed it was for the adrenaline rush. The large girl Becky was talking about food again, someone asked her what she had in her sandwiches, she exclaimed excitedly, "Cheese and marmalade"! Tall ginger chav was outraged and said, "you naughty....,......little.... So and So", The instructor then had a go at us about "foul language creeping in". People then questioned the instructor (Quite Old) when he started working there, he said 1987, to which tall ginger chav exclaimed thats 25 years, no one addressing the error it remained as fact and whenever it was mentioned later he had worked at the pool for 25 years. Fenwick arrived late, he entered wearing some nike air max, trackys, a sterling silver bangle, a green white and dark blue polo shirt, the most lavish diamond earring you would dare to think of. Coupled with his beige "farmer Hat (Becky)"He looked so appealing, his cheeky grin that fell almost on directly on Vicky's cleavage before correcting himself and talking to her face. He went on alter to say how he only likes films for violence and that 15's are for pussy 'oles. I looked round to see thin old freak sipping at lemon from a massive bottle, her arm appeared to shake as she just about managed to raise the bottle to her lips, the pale yellow liquid appeared to become an extension of her face as it blurred with her used egg shell complexion. I felt sick, but watched on as she proceeded to raise and lower the bottle around 5 times, each time taking a sickly gulp. I looked across to her head, which looked like plastic bag stretched tightly over a skull, the inset tension wrinkles created the perfectly platform to publicize her patch of malaria growing on her chin, she also had a cough, she will be dead within a week. We started talking about how long we would have in the pool, a breathy week voice erupted, "it depends how quickly you get changed" a horrible cough erupted with it, 50x more powerful than the spoken word, which completely destroyed her attempted laugh. I Hate Her. I am now referred to as Bradlol, because i'm so funny. Becky was being told information by two people at once, this proved too much for her as she shouted, "I don't have 2 ears", people quickly realized she did and she rephrased it as a multitasking issue. I then nipped to the toilet, followed by Fenwick. He entered the cubicle next to me, and in his habit of reciting whatever Zane Lowe at the time says he swapped "lady gaga" for black eyed peas, repeating the band name 4 times before erupting into, "Can you meet me halfway, Right at the borderline!" Ay, Brad that Fergie is well fit like. Yes, she's very nice. Becky asked me why I dressed so smart for college, I had no answer. We then got in the pool, after pretending to be unconscious for an exercise I received a painful nipple cripple from Vicky. I surfaced later on to see feeble woman's struggling face. The chlorine had eroded her eyes and stained her skin, bloodshot eyes and a rashy eyes made for the appearance of a lopsided lilac balloon through my also stinging (but clearly not as severe) eyes. We were down the shallow end and I heard Fenwick mutter to Vicky that "this lifeguard stuff is kinda sexy", She replied with (im not sure why), "Yeah I feel like I should be doing it naked", Fenwick jumped on this pedophile opportunity and requested they go for a private session somewhere else, I made disappointed eye contact with the barely legal girl, she didn't enjoy my judgmental gaze. We all got out and were getting changed, a chorus of "Why do birds suddenly appear?" erupted from over the changing cubicles, interrupted by Fenwick saying to Vicky, "Do you like the way my big toe works it". I left feeling so good, only to see living corpse lady waiting outside, her usually burnt, crispy blonde hair now black and her face considerably enflamed. She is rotting from the inside out, I want to tell her to see a doctor, but I don't want to catch the plague.

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