Sunday, 21 February 2010
Day 6 (LifeGuarding).
I met moon face at the gate, her face seem brighter than anything else in the reception, I swear it generates its own glow, the worlds most horrible light fitting. I followed her, admiring the tye dye style arrangement of black and weak blonde hair, it was too shiny for hair, the grease made it possible to see dim reflections in it. She had managed to pull her hair back so tightly that it pulled the hair follicles out slightly, giving the edge of her face the appearance of a sea anemone. The tall ginger chav (Tom) had been absent from the last session, I asked him why, he said it had been the 24 hour bug "that's been going round". As if triggered by this statement the instructors ear began to bleed, I understand people's noses bleed from time to time, but ears seem a bit more serious as the blood would have been coming from a tunnel that leads to his brain. He carried on, ignoring the blood. Tom sitting next to me spontaneously erupted with the lyrics "Rice, Rice, Baby", in response to Hannah's getting a nutrigrain bar out of her bag. The topic of conversation then fell onto favourite foods, Fenwick took great delight in saying the word "philidelphia" over and over again in a french accent, this was only improved by his "fashionable" beret, which he was wearing for the 3rd session straight. Later he rolls a cigarette for Vicky. She takes it and unfortunately the filter comes out, she exclaims "Such a bad roll faggot! Il just smoke without it", she places it filterless in her mouth, crushing it completely, I didn't follow her out to watch her smoke the crumpled mess. I also found out that moon face has a husband, what a brave/blind man he must be, or a depraved fetishist, who enjoys making love to a cobra eyed, pulped grapefruit. Becky began telling me how she wanted to go home so her nan could buy her some tesco clothes, before screaming "Hallelujah" in a not so angelic tone. I was particularly grumpy today, moon face turned to me and said "Smile, it won't hurt" in the most sombre tone breathe-able. She then attempted a smile which strained her face, white crested lines appeared down her cheeks, her thin lips parted momentarily bearing sharp thin teeth. It looked ironically painful and did not make me feel any better. Tom then engrossed me in a dream he had last night, he told me how he dreamt he was in eastenders, whilst there he had managed to get in an argument with peggy. Chris then got a climbing hook out and tried to tear it apart with his bare hands, considering it was a steel climbing, intended for weight-bearing instrument, it came as a shock when he was puzzled to why he could not tear it apart, confused also, Tom asked if he could have a go, failed, they then tried together, they still failed. Vicky then told Fenwick to go get his limp dick back, I don't know why. We were then talking about anaphylactic shock, the instructor asked us what this was, moon face answered with the familiar description of: It's when you have a violent allergic reaction, your skin goes blotchy, you feel really itchy, your throat closes up and you can't breathe, your eyes could bulge. I Hate Her. It was lunch time, Chris shot off on his ped for a donna kebab, however oh so surprisingly returned with mere polos and some bacci for Fenwick, he made the foolish decision to hide Fenwicks bacci, to which he threatened, "Give me my bacci or il smash your fucking bike up!" Becky told me how she has trouble sleeping cause she always goes down for a coke at 4 in the morning. We were using the dummy's again, this time Fenwick proceeded to "insert" his trousered penis into the mannequins mouth, people loved this. I then looked over to Chris and Tom who were giggling excessively, "Tom says to Chris "were so funny", I look to see they have drawn an egg round someone's head in the life-guarding manual. Fenwick then went on the punch bag, he states, "The bitchslap...... YOU FUCKING BITCH!" before slapping the bag with some force, his poor girlfriend. We then told how when performing CPR the procedure is slightly different depending on the child's age, the ages are infant, child (before puberty), adult (after puberty), the instructor asks how would you know if the casualty was a child or an adult? Moon face answers with "check the privates", everyone laughed, she didn't, she wasn't joking. We then went into partners to do a full body examination, after completing mine I looked over to see Fenwick examining Vicky (I remind 22 and 16 respectively). He felt the sides of the torso at regular intervals (as instructed) he then went on to tickle her vagina (not instructed). Tom took great pleasure in stacking the CPR dummy's in a "gay" fashion, this mean two torsos positioned in a vaguely representative 69 position, with another one behind the one on top, it looked like an amputation orgy and was not funny... only to me. The topic of braces arose, Tom told us a story about his braces: once he got his tongue bar caught in a girls braces, he had to get his dad to cut them apart with pliers, Vicky looked bemused and doubtful but said nothing, in any normal place a lie like this would be ripped to shit. We then went back to the class room for a question answer session. Chris was asked to name a support tow (the three answers are under-shoulder, under-arm and hip support tows) he answered with "V - grip", considering the "V - grip" doesn't exist or has ever been talked about i'm not sure what he was thinking, we now often respond to him with a V finger gesture. Just before we left Becky said that people from Harwich are inbred, and hence have no nipples. I had to catch a train home today, while waiting at the train station or saw a lady with a child in a pram stumble and crash it into a sign, bliss.